Know a good joke... We do!
Marriage Quotes
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.
DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were
driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that
said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and
turned around and went home.
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "what's the story?"
He replies, "just crap in the carburetor".
She asks, how often do I have to do that?
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks
her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take my license away,and now today
you expect me to show it to you!"
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor... "Show me". The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed, likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "Well, no" she said,
"I'm actually a blonde.'' "I thought so," the doctor said,
"Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'' "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!'"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'' "HELLLOOOOOOO. . . ,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
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HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
DEAR DIARY – DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!
---------------------------------
DEAR DIARY – DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
---------------------------------
DEAR DIARY – DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and
attentive.
---------------------------------
DEAR DIARY – DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
---------------------------------
DEAR DIARY – DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
---------------------------------
DEAR DIARY – DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives.
Twice
DEAR DIARY – DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!
---------------------------------
DEAR DIARY – DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
---------------------------------
DEAR DIARY – DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and
attentive.
---------------------------------
DEAR DIARY – DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
---------------------------------
DEAR DIARY – DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
---------------------------------
DEAR DIARY – DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives.
Twice
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"The End of Maxine"
As we progress into 2014, I want to thank you for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up
in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan ..
Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician!
Oh, and by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 feet out
of the toilet..
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…
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Hello -- I have some questions....?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
******
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?
How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
And a FAVORITE:
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK..? (Then it's you!)
~
REMEMBER...
A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!
And a day without sunshine is, like..........night!!!!
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